Irony

As a Christian, I know its rather taboo to be messing around with tarot cards. However, I have a certain affinity for my Dragon Tarot deck simply for the artwork. I bought the deck 4 years ago where it has remained quietly, and unused on my bookshelf for years. I picked them up recently, just to play with them again after so long and the first card that came up was....

DEATH.

But if you look at the card, the poor fictional creature is shedding its skin while reaching its head toward the light. The interpretation of the card reads: "A significant transformation approaches. An unplanned event requires you to make dramatic or radical change. Illusions are stripped away, leaving you with only the bare truth." The description of the card states that "What was perhaps looked upon as a painful death or great loss has been revealed as a rebirth into something better."

This potently describes what I am going through - to a TEE! Shedding old skin (behaviors) and being reborn into something better. While I have not yet experienced the radical change or unplanned event (LORD - please let it be something I can handle), I feel a strong sense of its approach. Things ARE changing for me. I am reaching toward the light and shedding my skin so I can be reborn as a new woman, hungry and thirsty for God.

Its ironic, really.

I didnt need a tarot card to tell me that I am growing up, the fact that it was the first card to appear was rather ironic. I have a phoenix tattooed on my side as a reminder that I will ALWAYS triumph over hard times. Out of the proverbial dark ashes, rises a gorgeous creature, reborn from the muck. This is how I must think of myself and I approach this new chapter of my life.

Happy girl

I spent a week in California recently, and it was fabulous to see my family and friends. But I came to the realization that I belong in Georgia. I have a great job, great friends, and a chance to become the woman I know is resting, dormant inside.

I also realized that I need to learn healthy habits for living. I have gained about 35 pounds in the last year and its made me very uncomfortable in my own skin. Everyone around me says I still look good for my height and weight. But I feel uncomfortable and thats what matters. SO? What do I do? I started weight watchers again. I was really successful on it before, and I am going to be successful again.

I am blessed beyond measure.

I have been allotted the time to study for the national exam, focus on healthy eating, maintain my apartment, and exercise at my leisure. There is no way I wont be successful in these endeavors.

I have also been given a great blessing - the time to build my relationship with God.

Today, I am a happy girl. Blessed beyond measure.

A New Way To Bleed

Save your twisted enemy
So you might earn forgiveness
You know your whole world is waiting
So why can’t you speak?

I feel it coming over me
I’m still a slave to these dreams
Is this the end of everything?
Or just a new way to bleed?

So go and tell all your friends
That I’m a failure underneath
If it makes you feel like a bigger man
But it’s my, my heart, my life
That you're calling a lie
I’ve played this game before
And I can’t take anymore

I feel it coming over me
I’m still a slave to these dreams
Is this the end of everything?
Or just a new way to bleed?

By drifting far beyond the edge
Freedom, freedom,
Can’t you feel the ground caving in?
Freedom,
Give us a reason to believe again

I feel it coming over me
I’m still a slave to these dreams
Is this the end of everything?
Or just a new way to bleed?

The End is Nigh, little one

Ive never claimed to be perfect. But there was a time in my life where I claimed to be whatever you wanted me to be just so you would like me. Thats how insecure I was.

In the last few months, I have found myself growing into my own. I am not ashamed of who I am, or what I have done. I draw strength from God and my circle of friends I have built here in Georgia. And now that I am single again, I need to fill up my reserves of confidence that has been shot to pieces over the last 24 hours.

Yes, (deep breath), its over. For good. </3

I am left thinking: am I really like that? did he really mean that? or is he hurting so much that he wanted to hurt me more? I am left with the wreckage I created, when I did not tell one little truth; when I was biding my time to figure out what Cali Fae really wanted.

(this is where that little sacred voice in my heart says: dont lie.)

I knew what I wanted and it wasnt him. I liked the idea of him - the idea of being with someone with strong moral values, someone handsome, someone built like a train, and someone who would love me and take care of me no matter what. I had all that, but now... I dont. So why am I so heartbroken?

I am afraid to be alone.

Yes, folks, its true. The independent and fun-loving Cali Fae is deathly afraid of being single. Somewhere along the lines, Ive become a codependent. Yet, I didnt FEEL codependent in this relationship. I wasnt worshipping the ground he walked on. I wasnt trying to monopolize his time. I wasnt trying to control who he saw, what he did, and where he went. I felt free. In that freedom, I found myself in love with a man 18 years older than me. And that scared the bejesus out of me.

Remember, I am 30. Eighteen years is a huge age gap. We worked for a while. Now, we dont. And I am left in the aftermath while he spews venom at me for no good reason.

Allow myself to introduce.... myself.

I am Cali Fae.

I drink a lot of coffee. I relish quiet, peaceful mornings. Im a TOOL fan. I have a cat named Tucker who I adore. He is dim-witted, dense and likes to play "superman" off the balcony, but he loves me unconditionally.

My motto in life is: live.laugh.love.

I am definitely more of a conservative than a liberal, even though there are grey areas. With all the new laws going into effect about healthcare, I have needed to temper my conservative voice to hear that deep-seated, quiet, omniscient truth inside me. It is that truth that saved my life, once.

I watch silly crime dramas on TNT and have an addiction to the supernatural.

I am 21 years old (plus 9) but think I am more like 18.

I am an occupational therapist who loves working with hands, pediatrics, and ortho impairments. I will be taking my licensure exam in September 2012. Its a $500 exam, so I need to pass on the first try.

I believe in God, my almighty, whose will I ask to guide me everyday. He is my strength and my saving grace during times of crisis and times of respite.

I like bright colors.

I love cooking.

I read everything I can get my hands on. The Bible, Melody Beattie, OT stuff, Autism stuff, Patrick Rothfuss, Harry Potter, Faery novels and everything in between.

Two posts in an hour. Waa hoo!

I am playing with this new blog trying to figure out how to post pictures. So, here is my guinea pig... my favorite feline in the whole wide world.... TUCKER!

Yes, thats Tucker in the medicine/spice cabinet. He likes to crawl into random places to play hide and seek.

To move, or not to move... that is the question.

I remember when life was simple. Play dates, swimming, school, homework, dinner made by mom.

Then I grew up.

Now I am 30 with a Master's degree and my own business in Georgia. I have worked my tail off for the last several years to get where I am. Now, its time to figure out what the next big adventure is. Where do I want to live? Where do I want to work? Ive got a great career ahead of me, but it all hinges on this one decision: what to do next.

Usually, big decisions like this just come naturally. I have never had a problem figuring out what was next because it seemed the path was neatly laid out before me. Thats not the case, here. I've laid roots in two diametrically opposite cities: Gainesville, GA and Los Angeles, CA. The cultural differences are humongous. The food is different. Societies expectations are different. On the one hand, Ive got my family in California. On the other hand, Ive got the lakes and friends here in Georgia that seem irreplaceable. But wherever you go, there you are. Right?

Pros of moving:                           Cons of moving:
* Family                                       * Family
* Beaches                                     * Packing
* Security                                     * The expense of moving cross country
                                                     * Leaving behind the life Ive built in Georgia

Ive been in a lovely relationship for the last 6 months. Its been a major blessing in my life. It has taught me what a *true* healthy, happy, secure relationship is supposed to be like. I would be leaving that behind if I left Georgia too. The pain on both ends seems unbearable. So what is best for Ms. Cali?

Prayer.

Sleep.

Time.

I cant think of much else right now. Its been a whirlwind 24 hours and I am ready for a nap. But alas, time to go to work.